Honestly, I don’t think one ever does fully cope. I think we just more so adjust to the lifestyle because we don’t have a choice.
For years, I have been battling Anxiety Disorder, Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and other mental illnesses. Every day is different. The ups and downs. The highs and lows. Not being able to go to the grocery store some days because of the anxiety and the feeling that something bad will happen. The trembling. The weak knees. Hiding from people and not letting them know how you really feel because you feel so stupid for feeling like this. This is something that I’ve never been able to control no matter how hard I try.
Now put a Chronic Illness on top of that. I have had Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (CRPS) since September of 2017. I’m sure people are tired of hearing me talk about it at this point, and I would totally understand if they are. Sadly enough, I can’t talk about anything else. They say not to let your illnesses define you, but this is something I fight every day, and I’m only getting worse. So it’s impossible for me not to talk about it. I’m tired of acting like I’m okay when I’m falling apart. I’m not the person I used to be. My entire life has changed.
Today, I got my third nerve block treatment. These treatments, if effective, are supposed to temporarily block the pain receptors that are constantly being sent to the brain. If they are effective, you will feel NO pain for a little while. When the pain receptors come back on, they are not supposed to be as strong.
This is not the case with me. With every nerve block, I still feel the pain, and they only flare me up and intensify the pain, or give me new pains (like in my back). When my Anesthesiologist asked me how I felt today, I told him, “Bad as always.” He asked how the last nerve block went, and I told him that I was still in a lot of pain, but that I felt a little, tiny bit of relief for only about an hour and a half or so. He looked so concerned and said, “Oh, no. That’s not good.” I also told him how the CRPS spread to my right leg, and I elaborated. He was even further concerned, and wants to see me next week. I am running out of options. My body has rejected every treatment thus far and continues to do so. I expect that when I meet with him next week, he wants to go to Plan B, which will be a Spinal Cord Stimulator implant in my back and spine. I absolutely don’t want to do this as there are a lot of things you have to be careful of when doing when you have one of these implants. Also, it may not even work for me. However, if it will help me, then I will have no other choice.
What they say is true: Cold CRPS is way harder to treat, and the prognosis isn’t good. I am learning this by experience. At this point, mine has been impossible to treat. And I only get worse. My muscles have atrophied. I’m scared bone loss may happen next, because that is a possibility. It has spread to my other leg, and at times, it feels like it’s spreading to my arms as well. I already can’t walk, but I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to use my “good” leg. People tell me I’m so strong, but honestly, I don’t feel strong because this is killing me. I am chronically depressed.
I am completely at a loss for everything – especially a loss for hope and words. My life was stolen from me. I want it back and it’s gone. Just like that. From tripping over a shoe and having my kneecap dislocate.
I am a broken person. Am I coping? No, I am not. I am trying to adjust to a new life. A broken life. A handicapped life. However, I truly hope and wish for better days. Days that I can take those first steps with two legs again.
CRPS Perseverer 